I will start a series on the power of saying “yes” and “no” when we want to. This is a particularly important topic to me, partly because of my journey in learning to say “no” even when it means others will be displeased. In my experience as a therapist, I have discovered I’m not alone.
Over the years, I’ve worked with many adult clients who wrestled with answering yes and no according to what they really want rather than some desire to please others or keep peace. However, inevitably, they sacrifice their inner peace. Often for anger. Inevitably, when we explore the roots of this difficulty, it returns to experiences growing up. Specifically, could they say no to their parents?
Like many of you I’m committed to raising my children differently than I was raised. One of those differences comes down to permitting my four boys, now ages 10-18, to say no. I’m doing this in the hopes that I will raise children who experience it is OK to say no.
But it’s more than that. Childhood is when we experiment with our power and learn to anticipate how those around us will respond. The family system is a child’s place for exploration and discovery. We can only discover what we are allowed to explore. When we experiment with saying yes and no, we aren’t just answering, “Can I get what I want now?” We are discovering:
What happens when others are displeased?
Do my wants and needs matter?
Can I expect others will work cooperatively with me so we both get what we want and need?
Am I powerful?
Can I draw boundaries that take care of me?
So far, the parenting strategies we’ve mplyed appear to be working. And, believe it or not, as they have grown, they become more and more cooperative and thoughtful. There are many things that they used to say no to that they now do spontaneously. We avoided the usual pitfals of coercion, punishment, shame, etc., that might get parents what they want in the moment, but only after a battle or at the cost of their child’s autonomy.
The keys are cooperation, flexibility, scaffolding, and connecting — the power of putting the relationship first.
Saying no isn’t just important for the reasons mentioned above, in my experience, we don’t really learn what it is to say yes until we embrace the power to say no. I’ll say that again: We don’t really say yes until we say no.
Steve Jobs said it another way, “People think focus means saying yes to the thing you've got to focus on. But that's not what it means at all. It means saying no to the hundred other good ideas that there are.”
I’ll be exploring these things in the coming editions of Feeling Together.
I hope you will join me.