Exploring Yes and No Through a Child Development Lens
Initially, it was easy—or, at least, that’s how I felt about parenting infants. Yes, the nights are long, and the demands are frequent, but I learned I run surprisingly well while sleep-deprived. I drank up the late-night cuddles like an elixir. And somehow, I found the energy to be present in “yes” to my infant’s needs.
So much of the first stage of life, 0-6 months, invites “yes.” In short, that’s because infants' desires are their needs. They want and need to be fed, changed, and sleep intermittently throughout the day. They want and need stimulation in the form of caressing touch. They want and need eye contact.
They eventually learn to roll over and sit up during this stage. There is very little we say no to unless children get their hands on something that they ought not to put in their mouths (their natural way of exploring the world).
Then, from 6 to 18 months, everything changes: they become mobile. I laugh as I write this because one of my four sons started crawling around 4 months of age. (I was not prepared for an early crawler.) Of course, there are variations to the natural stages. Some children do things early, and others do them later, all within the realms of “normal.” As children begin to crawl, walk, and eventually run during this stage, our yes and no responses as parents change.
Not all of their desires are needs anymore. Suddenly, we constantly assess whether their explorations are healthy and OK (yes) or if a limit should be set (no). Our job is to keep them safe as they explore:
“Yes,” you can continue to walk and steady yourself.
“No,” you may not open that cabinet.
At this stage, we babyproof the house, setting up environmental limits (no) to contain their exploration to safe areas.
The next stage is sometimes referred to as the “terrible twos.” The stage from around 18 months to 3 years of age is potentially delightful. One developmental writer, Pam Levine, refers to this as the stage of “thinking.” Two significant shifts happen here: 1) children separate and differentiate (from us), and 2) they potentially shift from black-and-white thinking to the beginning of both-and thinking.
Children separate and differentiate as part of the natural process of understanding and asserting that they are separate individuals. At this stage, saying “no,” or rather “No!” is a natural part of this process. Another time that children separate and differentiate, needing to assert themselves as separate, is during adolescence. The general convention is that the more children are given permission to separate the first go around, the less they will have to demand their separateness when they are teens.
My second son, the early crawler mentioned above, set a firm boundary with me one day. After kissing me, he said, “Don’t do that.” After a series of questions, I learned that this not-even-three-year-old child did not want any more hugs or kisses. He was clear. I felt sad. Yet, I knew that it was vital for me to validate his autonomy and empower him (especially when it comes to who gets to touch him and how). Therefore, I tended to my sadness and gave him space. I told him, “I will miss hugs and kisses. Let me know if you change your mind.” Around three months later, he sought out a hug. I asked him if it was OK to kiss him, and he said, “Yes.” Phew! That stage was over.
At 15 years of age, that same child is very articulate about how he wants me and his father to support him:
“Can I have a hug?”
“Can you just sit with me and not say anything?”
“Can I have your advice?”
We have our usual teenage-parent conflicts, mostly moments of my annoying him somehow, but they are very tiny moments of disconnection.
When afforded the opportunity to get what they want, age appropriately, and within healthy limits, children begin to shift from an experience of the world as either-or to both-and. This has huge implications for how they will navigate relationships in the future—not just your relationship with your child but their relationships with the world at large.
When children experience that they can get what they want AND adults can get what they want in cooperation, a few things start to happen.
First, they begin thinking creatively about ways to achieve that. Thus, Levine’s reference to the age of “thinking.”
The second is that they move from an experience of competition (either I get what I want OR you get what you want) to cooperation.
Third, they experience limits as reliable, consistent, and supporting the relationship rather than one person’s wants and needs over another.
Altogether, these things set them up for cooperation in future stages of development.
Up until now, children’s yeses and nos have been experienced within the context of the caretaker/child relationship, as well as other members of the family system and immediate support system, such as extended family and childcare structures. As children hit the preschool years, they become more social, and their relationship with yes, no, and power shifts again.
I will explore this further in the following Feeling Together newsletter. Make sure you subscribe so you don’t miss it.